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Bed too Early

October 13, 2016

It's now 1am and I just woke up from a nap I took at 8am.  I was supposed to wake up 30 min later, but I think I was having a good dream... I cant remember what it was about.

I feel a depression comming on because I still feel like I've stopped progress from moving to New York and meeting my soul mate.  I just need some help- it seems like I try and try and ....I don't have bad luck, but I am 37years old- never been married or even lived with a man. I still feel like I'm a teenager, stuck in this house all by myself with my 2 cats.  I can't blame my predicament on the fact that I got pregnant at 20 years old. Because I hardly even see my daughter ; she lives at her godmothers house(in the nice neighborhood).

I'm so freakin horny too!  I'm a little mad at my sister for guilt tripping me all the time for not hanging out over there at Susanne's house. Her old golden retriever, Sunny, stays there and so then so does she on her days off from nursing.  I don't want to go over there because all I do is eat, sleep, and watch TV.

I'm also I little bummed that My painting from England have come back home. I won awards but they didn't sell, so I basically paid $500 for the experience.  And now my painting from Hudson, Ny is on its way home so that's another $125.  I just don't get it. I wish someone would tell me what to do with my life.

I keep have this dream where I'm communicating with my cells, organs, nerves.  I believe that our bodies try to communicate through dreams, but sometimes their reality doesn't match my reality and I misinterpret what they are asking my to help fix.  For example cells die all the time and have weird chemistry, so I may be trying to fix something that's not running its course in my body, but it's communicated by my body like some one is murdering me and trying to suck the life from me - I'm scared so I run or attack and kill the murderer because I'm afraid.  Then I realize that I should have just gone with it and not overthink it. I'm always thinking to myself "just make me do what you want" and when I don't resist, it feels good.  Instead of being a cold and empty space all of these lives appear ( nerves working).

I'm so anxious, and frustrated and sad and lonely. I wish I wouldn't have to work, so hard to form my life. I wish he would come find me and save me and stop my loneliness.  I keep praying for signs. I say don't give up on me, I may have missed all the signs your sending (meaning God), but do not give up on me. I'm trying to get better and open my eyes to opportunities you send me.

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